Ho Ho Ho!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

What does that mean anymore? I'm not sure. I sit here, listening to the 100.3 The Bear pondering my current lack of enjoyment of the holidays. So far, I haven't had much of a Christmas spirit. It's not like I've been going around like Scrooge saying "Humbug" or being sour & mean to people.

It's more of a personal crisis than anything else.

Last night I went to a pot-luck dinner that my mom invited me & my sister too. It was in North Edmonton and was put on by the Sons of Norway, a group that my mother is about to become President of. We went, ate, talked to people, and it was all good...

Until it came time to sing Christmas carols.

Now, I'm not the best singer and I have lousy sense of tone, yet none of that bothered me. It didn't even bother me that my mom had promised that we would go for just the dinner and skip the carols, which didn't actually happen. No, the problem was the act of singing songs of joy and merriment.

I just couldn't get into it. It was like I was going through the motions.

And I really use to love singing those songs of joy, Christmas, and celebration. A long time ago. What feels like a lifetime ago. But last night it didn't feel the same. It was like torture. It felt wrong for me to sing to a "Glorification of God" that isn't how I believe in God.

Sure I "believe" in the 10 Commandments even though I see one or two as being really hard to live by in the modern world. And while I can't call myself Christian anymore, I believe in God and Jesus. And yes I believe with all my heart that God loves me and wishes to save me from evil and darkness.

The problem is that it doesn't "feel" like I deserve to be saved. It's a very strange conflict. Sometimes I feel like my soul should have been born into a Catholic family, although I thank God for that not happening. Life might have been rough growing up the son of a Minister of the United Church, but I wouldn't trade my father or my family for anything.

Not even a place in Heaven.

Of course, I don't believe in a physical Heaven or Hell. I believe the Afterlife will be a lot more complex than that. Sure there will be a division between light and darkness and good and evil. I just don't believe that darkness leads to evil. Darkness can be comforting, as long as you don't take it too far. :-)

Anyway... enough about that.

My contract with On-Site Placement Services is over. Part of me is glad, while another feels like I've been left twisting in the wind. Not by the organization or the staff. But by circumstance. I spent a lot of time, during my contract with On-Site, sick or in a lot of pain. Half way through the year I found myself starting over in the program, which eventually lead to the Steadward Centre.

Now, six months later I wonder what the next six months will bring. I'm still going to the Steadward Centre, although lately it has been tough on me emotionally and physically. I pushed too hard, too fast, too soon. I "REALLY" hurt myself and now I've been struggling to get back to where I was.

The damage is bettter, yet it isn't healed. Reducing the workout has helped as much I'd hoped. On Monday I dropped the time I spent on the bike from 10 to 6 miniutes and did light weights for my legs. The upperbody workout is good, although I'm making sure that I don't go above 50 pounds. It's fairly easy and hasn't put any strain on my lower body.

Yet, the pain persists. I think it is time to go and see Dr. Gregg, at the Edmonton Sport Institute, again.

My writing is going slowly, as sitting at my computer has become increasingly difficult. I'm going to try to do more this week, as I'll likely have time tonight and Thursday night.

Anyway, that's enough for now.

Robert B.

Real Day - Dark Reality

Today was one of the longer ones I've lived in a long while. I had to actually get up semi-early and wasn't home until after 6pm. "I had a regular day", as my sister put it to me when I told her I was tired. That made me very afraid because I've forgotten what a "Real Day" is like. I use to be able to go through a Real Day without being so worn out or overwrought, but now, now I can barely stand to do the part-time life routine that I've slowly built for myself.

In the past, I kept going through sheer determination and lots of caffeine. Now, I've had to give up caffeine for health reasons, and depression has destroyed the intense determination I once had. Now, I don't know how I'll possibly cope with trying to get back into the Real World. Hate is such a powerful emotion and it does horrible things to you, especially when you hate yourself more then anything else in the world.

Unemployment hasn't helped, but it's not the underlying issue. I'm simply afraid to fail again. I'm afraid that the person I've had to become isn't strong enough, or cold enough, to survive in a world filled with pain and anguish. He worries that he'll always be a failure in his own eyes even if his family supports his dreams and goals to his dying days.

They would be the first people to point out that my life is way better then a lot of others' lives. I have loving parents and a brother and sister that I can count on. My other relatives and friends are always there for me when I need them, if not for anything more than emotional and moral support. It isn't their support I now need. Now, I need to find it in my heart to forgive myself for the self-inflicted hate, anger, sadness, pain, and misery I've forced into my soul.

Can I do it. My mind screams "No, you can never forgive yourself". I try and try to understand why I can't and often I think it's because I'm a bad person, sometimes I even believe I am an evil person. I feel like I don't contribute to society or life, in general. I feel destitution in my soul and live in a world of "Dark Reality" that I created for myself.

I am the fiend of my own mind. I worry and pray that my family doesn't discover my dark secret of being less than human. I worry that the internal rage burning in my soul will explode upon the world, consuming all life and hope. I have become the Antithesis of Love, the Harbinger of Sorrow, and the Herald of Hatred. I have wrought my Dark Reality on a unsuspecting world.

The truth is that none of that is true, but "try not" to convince my inner self that it isn't so. That beastly creature ruins my hope and my wish for a batter life. It drags me down in the day and haunts my nightmares at night. I feel like I'm losing battle after batter with no end in sight. It is the beast inside, that person who I was as a teenager, who roars in defiance of forgiveness and closure.

I really wish he just shut the hell up!

But how? How do you make the past go away? How do you forgive yourself of so many stupid mistakes and wrongs you committed to your own soul. That is the part I don't understand. I have tortured the soul I was given by God. I have dragged it through the mud and humiliated it before the world. I have inflicted horrible pain and wounds of false love and false life upon it.

A friend of mine would think I've gone crazy. He doesn't believe there is a God. He would say that I don't have a soul that I can do whatever I want in life. I don't believe that. I believe that God gave me this soul for a reason. I believe there is consequences to how one lives, how one exists. Your soul isn't to be abused like some 5-cent toy. I have done a horrible crime against God and my own soul. I have killed its joy before its time.

How do you forgive something like that?

I ask you...

How can that be a bad thing?

Some current food for thought...


Ever since I've been going to the Steadward Centre located at the U of A, I've found myself thrust back into the dark reality of my situation. Sure, going to the Steadward Centre has been the best thing to happen to me in 5 years of horrid depression and hard times. Yet, at the same time I'm once again being overexposed to the multitude of beauty that exists in this world. (The U of A is like that.)

Now, you're going say, "How can that be a bad thing?"

Well, the truth is I don't connect well with women. Oh sure, I can get along just fine with women I'm not particularly interested in, but that's not the the same thing. Not by a long shot. The truth is that if I discover an unbridled attraction to a women it becomes consuming emotionally. Now, I'm not talking instant love or anything. I'm a whole lot more in control of myself than that, damn it!

I'm talking about lust, passion, envy, sadness, and angst. Usually in that order.

Lust is easy. Everyone lusts after someone at some point in their lives. My problem is that is isn't hard for me to lust after women. And it's never just one woman at one time. I have a very strong lust radar. I'm into women of all shapes and sizes. However, I have a real weakness for women who aren't like the girls I grew up with in Forestburg (i.e. country girls). I'm talking exotic women - asian, black, spanish, eastern european, and indian. I'm talking women who are a little out there - gamer & goth girls, women with tattoos & body piercings, and those who just stand out in a crowd.

Passion is the next logical step in my cycle. Lust isn't enough in this world. It will only take you so far. Passion is where real feelings of desire and wanting come into play. Passion shows you a woman's faults as well as her obvious assests. Beauty is only skin deep and I'm never passionate about a women based solely on looks. After all, I don't go for the traditional or the waif look. A women must be strong in heart and spirit, but doesn't need to be extremely fit. (That doesn't hurt though.) Passion teaches me to see all of a women and I usually like what I see. (Smokers don't usually get past this stage.)

Next comes Envy. Now, this where I differ from most. I tend to covet women that I can't have. Whether she is married or in serious relationship or is obviously out of my league. A friend of mine once told me it's better to aim high and strike out then aim low and be unhappy with the results. The truth is that I have self-esteem issues up the ass when it comes to women. I never see myself as being good enough for anyone. I always believe that a women could do better than me. This comes from those adolescent years of being teased/tormented by both my peers and by myself. I try to not let it hold me back, but so far the pain has been too hard to let go. anyway, the end result is that I end up envying the man (or woman) who has her, or who is working towards having her. (I've been known to sit back and let another man win a woman's heart, while I torture myself saying "it is for the best".)

The next logical step is Sadness. The cycle would never be complete without it. Here I dwell on the past, and take to heart the torment of those words of worthlessness from my youth. I often fall into a depressed state (more than usual) and shut myself away from the world. I listen to music meant to tear at my soul and lose myself in the pain I have come to be addicted to. Depending on how much I like a women, this stage can last a long time or drive me right into the last stage.

I wanted to say the last stage of the cycle was anger, but that doesn't really describe it. Anger entails getting mad and shouting out to the world that life isn't fair. That is not what I do. I do things like what I'm doing now (writing this). I take the sadness and pain to another level. I push the envelope of self-torture. I walk into that dark place in my soul and mind, which I know I can never be free from. Angst has led to madness, grief over the loss of innocence, the ability to love, and a "I do not care anymore" attitude about wanting to know joy, happiest, and hope for the future. My soul is cold place, best left alone in the darkness. It can feel but often those feelings simply frighten all who come into direct contact with it. It is here that I have contemplated ending life, but then I remember I am a coward who fears death. In this stage I lose who I am for days or weeks at a time.

The truth is that I am more than the dark place I've built for myself in the shadows of my soul. I know there is more to my soul and heart than pain and misery. The problem is that I've beome too good at living a dark, twisted way of life. Like I said before, I am addicted to pain. It isn't all that I know, but it is comforting, in dark & twisted way, to know I can always go back to the pain inside.

So, to answer the question, "that is how".

More poetic transfers from the Crossroads...

The Question
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

Thought and said.

Yet, so meaningless to me.

Abused and confused.

What does it all mean?

Tell me please.

I do not know!

Is there an answer?

No, it’s a mystery.

Is it real?

Yes, poor reality…

Am I guilty?

Completely...

------------------------

Those Eyes
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

It’s like losing yourself in perfect pool of water.
It’s not the color or the strands of hair hanging down.
It’s not even the perfect blending of shadows and light.
It’s that look…

It’s that penetrating gaze that dares you to look away.
Music is playing… but it’s not her voice.
Zeppelin… Stairway to Heaven…
No, it’s the look…

You feel as though you’re slipping away.
The energy is being siphoned out of your body.
Drawn away through the eyes of a goddess.
It’s like being powerless before a hurricane.

Those eyes…

Yes, those eyes could pull away a man’s soul.
Live now… Lightning Crashes…
‘I can feel it’ resounds through the air.
Those eyes… pulling me down.

Knightfall

Something new, yet inspired by older events...

Knightfall
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

Imagine a dark road,
A knight and his mistress,
A tournament won,
The prize – renown, honor.

The forest is bleak,
Near the edge of the boarder,
A rider appears,
A forlorn knight in dark.

He was just the enemy,
A tournament lost,
He announces his intention,
She will accept his largess.

Nay, says the protector,
He will not have his way,
The favor of darkness,
Will not touch her.

Swords drawn,
Battle joined,
Experience versus youth,
But the tide turns to darkness.

The lady cries out,
A distraction,
At the right moment,
Saves the protector.

He rolls away,
While the darkness,
Lunges at his throat,
A sword bites deep.

The forlorn dies,
His aim his downfall,
Blood upon the ground,
The largess crushed beneath.

The protector rolls the dark,
Away to smite the gift,
But only a sundered box,
Holding a black rose.

Crimson stains the petals,
The lady weeps for the dark,
The protector,
Can only find fault within.

Proper burial,
Marked with honor,
Here a knight fell,
Chivalry died with him.

More poetry transfers from the old Crossroads site...

The Beast
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

She stood alone under the streetlight,
Unaware of the danger that stalks the night.
Evil in the darkness...
Spawned of a nightmare.

Mine.

A beast, best left to the shadow,
To look upon it is worse then death.
It has her now...
Tearing, rending, snapping.

Blood.

Hunger is all the beast knows.
It is never sated,
It is always hungry...
Down the street it goes.

Silence.

It hears joy approaching,
A young couple laughing.
Love is like that...
The beast could never understand.

Howling.

The woman screams, running in panic.
The man... no, the boy is frozen.
Fear takes his soul...
The beast eats his heart.

Beating.

The beast can smell the woman’s fear,
She hasn’t gone far.
Never far enough...
Terror always makes the kill.

Hunting.

It finds her lost and alone,
Surrounded by steel and glass.
This is the jungle...
Only the strong live here.

Click.

The gun came from out of nowhere,
The shot resounds through the jungle.
The beast dies...
A bullet through the skull.

Peace?

The woman watches in horror,
Beast shifts to man.
Smoking gun...
She sees the face of evil.

Mine.
-------

The Emotion and the Pain
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

To understand my past is difficult for most.
The way I lived was full of shadow.
My family was my strength, my reason for existing.
God was my only true friend, so caring and understanding.

But I was never complete.
School was a joke, I never fit in or cared.
There were never any good times that I can still remember.
But the worst of times will haunt my dreams.

Society was the enemy, I hated it and myself.
It fed off my emotions like a carnivore enraged.
And the more I fought it, the worse it became.
I was helpless.

A weaker person may have rolled over and died.
But I knew that there was reason for life.
Some day I would find my place in the world.
Even if I had to conquer it first.

Yet as time wore on I cared less.
I was more interested in surviving.
My home became my fortress and my heart, black ice.
I cannot tell you what it was like, living only with hate.

And then a voice from outside the darkness called to me.
"Walk with me, my friend," it said.
Is it God’s holy messenger or the Devil in disguise.
I could not let the doubt, allow the chance to pass by.

At first I was hesitant and suspicious of the voice.
But it showed me a world that I never knew.
And life began to have true meaning at last.
There is a place for me.

While my heart will always remain dark inside.
And my eyes will always have a haunted gaze.
The past that I lived and hate.
Will not destroy the promise of the future.

Yet, I’m still not complete inside.
And while life has some meaning now.
Nothing can help me with my remaining pain.
I have always been alone.

And there I stand at the edge of the world.
Torn between the promise and the pain.
Doomed to an Eternity of life.
My heart has died but I must live.
-------

The Nightmare
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

Last night I dreamed of what cannot be.
Through the haze of sleep
I see the dreams of youth come to life in my mind.
The dream of a white picket fence... conforming to societies expectations.
At first the nightmare seems almost joyful...
I am part of it, yet unseen, like looking at oneself through a one way mirror.
The man I could have been is tender, loving, and whole in mind and spirit.
He never went though it, he never changed inside.
He never saw how he would be living a lie to exist that way.
His heart did not evolve... the soul did not see the truth.
I have to show him the truth...
He must know what his life is really about...
No matter what the cost...

I shatter the glass that clouds his mind from the truth.
Everyone in the nightmare turns to see the true reflection...
He stands there and looks at me for an Eternity of seconds.
And then sees the lie he has been living for years.
He knows, he understands...
A woman I’ve never known in my life tries to turn the other me away from the truth.
This woman is the catalyst for the vision.
She is this otherworld’s matrix - she holds it together.
In order to be free of this lie, she must not be here.
He hesitates for a second trying to decide if what he’s about to do is the right thing.
I put my hand on his shoulder, reassuring him this isn’t the end.
It is simply a new beginning...
He nods and reaches out towards her.
She seems to shrink away in size and is soon only this fragile, porcelain doll.
It’s time to stop playing with life...
He shatters the doll with his bare hands and the nightmare ends.

I wake to a warm sunny Saturday morning.
The birds outside have been up for hours, children laugh somewhere in the distance.
It’s a good omen.
I reflect on this dream and what it might mean.
But then I quickly realize that I already knew what it meant.
It was about the truth.
It was about the choice I made to live the way I do.
To live the only way I can and retain what’s left of my soul.
I call it a nightmare because it is a reflection of something that I do not want.
Not any more...
It’s not about faith, love, joy, hate, or anything to do with what I might be missing.
No, it’s as simple as three little words from a song I know.
I AM I...

A few more poetic transfers...

Night of my Mind
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

The darkness around me while I sleep.
Does not compare with the shadows of my mind.
Follow me now into those shadows.
My soul runs through a darkened landscape.
Yet no real life lives here.
Headstones, shallow graves and desolation,
Consumes the soil.
Horror and evil wanders the shadows.
Dying over and over again each night.
Resurrected by pain.
It runs to free itself.
Through countless fields of torment,
And endless hills of haunted dreams.
I pray it can outrun the darkness. It cannot.

How do you outrun your own darkness?
My soul feels the darkness take control.
It collapses to the barren ground.
The chase is over.
The transformation has begun.
Its breathing grows heavy,
An eerie glow consumes the eyes,
A low growl passes through its lips.
The ground shifts and cracks,
My soul transforms,
The bones crack and flesh tears.
Wicked claws, course hair,
Jagged teeth, form of the beast.
The soul body reforms,
Into what even the shadows fear.
The creature.

It is the master of the darkness of my mind.
It howls its defiance to the shadows.
Smoke billows as it breathes.
Fire burns in its core.
It calls forth its prey.
Millions of the dead,
Crawl from the gravescape.
It howls again.
The dead memories of the past,
Shiver in fear.
It is their own fault that it hunts them.
They created it.
They gave it form and purpose.
Every time a harsh word was whispered.
Every time wicked laughter stole joy.
Every time a cold shoulder killed love.
Dark power.

It begins its hunt.
Mercilessly tearing through the memories.
Good or bad, it doesn’t matter anymore.
The night screams.
Now it is their turn to run.
None will escape this night,
They never do.
And beyond the shadow lands of my mind.
My sleeping form shivers and moans,
In the darkness that surrounds my unrest.
The nightmares will be vivid this night.
My heart races with each death of memory.
The beast inside roars and the body thrashes.
And again and again,
All night, every night,
For as long as I can remember,
The beast has stalked the darkness,
Killing my past,
In the night of my mind.

Remember Shadows
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard
I found myself in the shadows, staring out at the place.
Why do I come here?
It’s late, past midnight I think…
I went to the 7-11 to get some pop.
And then I found myself across the street from it.
Oh sure, I’ve been back…
But I’ve never seen her once…
I don’t want to see her… do I?
I guess there’s a little part of me that misses her.
A middle aged couple walk by.
And then I realize that I should leave.
But I don’t…

I cross the street towards the back of the building.
I run my hand along the cement.
I walk around to the other side.
And lean against the building.
I take a drink from the Sunny D I bought, like it.
I close my eyes.
And remember…
I should have stayed.
No, I never should have taken the job in the first place.
She was everything to me.
And yet, I didn’t really know her…
Not like I should have.
Damn, why do I do this to myself, it isn’t worth it.
She never cared.
I should leave.
But I don’t…

I wait and drink my juice and then I wait some more.
Time passes, I don’t know how long.
I think I cried, I don’t remember.
Then... I left.

Shadow Dancer
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard
The lights, the smoke, the stage,
The show will begin shortly.
Coke for me, beer for my friend.
This is his night out.
I’m just here for the show.
Tight bodies on the unattainable,
Women of the stage,
Dancers or strippers,
Call them what you will.
Tonight they are all goddesses.
Why do they do it?
Maybe for fame, or for money.
But tonight they dance for me.
Oh, I have no allusions,
Only my senses to guide me.
Each will be as spectacular as the last.
I wonder…

Why are there so many women,
Who are completely unattainable?
And not just here in this place,
But everywhere,
At every moment in time.

The announcer breaks the music,
Another beauty for the stage,
Too lure money away from the masses.
Men hoot and holler,
Some women in the crowd as well.
It just shows,
How much our world has changed.
The dancer is haunting and yet distant.
Tall, blonde, dressed in black,
She is confident in her walk.
I am mesmerized,
She is willful in her movement.
Seductive and arrogant,
Tender, yet fierce.
A woman who has lived her way,
And made hard choices in her life.
I wonder…

How did she become this goddess?
So feminine and yet edged,
Like a masterwork sword.
This form in the night,
This… Shadow Dancer.

A few poems transferred over from The Crossroads.

Madness
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

Pain.
Depression.
Isolation.
Killing me day by day.
Impossible nights.
The whispering comes.
Comes to steal my soul away.
Pulling me into darkness.

Restless.
Sleepless.
Agony.
Tearing through me.
Ripping away coils.
Of my mental ball of yarn.
Like a shadow cat.
Its claws bloody.

Struggling.
Surviving.
Fighting.
Can't let it.
Take me back.
To that soulless place.
Five years ago.
When madness almost claimed me.

Faith...

---------------

Mistakes
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

Mistakes… I’ve made my fair share over the years. And now…
Her name is Karen, or Cricket, as she likes to call herself.

I’ve met her online and something about her intrigues me.
But she lives across the country in a place I’ve never been.

I’ve drawn this wonderful image of her in my mind.
She’s beautiful… destined to break a thousand hearts.

Like I said… mistakes…

Even if she is half the dream I see when I close my eyes.
How would I ever win such a goddess?

I’m nothing to look at and who knows how’d she react.
Too say nothing of the fragile condition of my heart.

And now she’s being… I don’t know… playful I guess.
And my words are caught in my throat.

How do I tell her that she’s become something more in my mind?
That I’ve risen her to the heights of goddess in my soul.

Mistakes… always mistakes.

I can not go back now… I can not start over.
I have lost myself to the dream again.

---------------

Never Again
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

Lust in the dark.
Torture in the soul.
Fire burning...
For a jewel of passion.
And an existence that betrays.

Troubled thoughts.
Bare my heart wide open.
But I know...
It is not love.
It can never be that.

Never again...

Once I had the desire.
Dreamed of joy, oneness, love.
But now...
Pain incarnate.
My eyes are tinted windows.

Angst rules my nights.
Judge me by soulless rage.
A car did this...
While body didn’t break.
The soul shattered.

And now I see this angel.
Light versus my darkness.
Heaven sent...
To test my courage.
Break my will with desire.

Never again...

I pull the shadows around me.
A cloak of darkness.
Must protect...
The mind shields away.
What the heart must not feel.

Never again... never again.

Wow, is it September already?

Time sure flies when your busy. The last couple of years have seemed to drag on forever, but life is like that when you've been dealing with tons of emotional and physical pain. Now, on the other side of the hill, I'm taking my time, going slow so I don't hurt myself.

I'm leaving for the Steadward Centre in a little while. Because Monday was a holiday here in Alberta (Labour Day), they were closed. I basically took a day off and did writing and design for my campaign world, World of Kulan. (Ok, mostly design.)

The writing project I've been doing with Silverthorne Games has taken up tons of my time over the last month, and as a result I haven't been working on my website, The Crossroads. Now that I have some time, it's time to get back into that. Of course, if Ian e-mails me back in the next couple of day wanting more designs, then all bets are off. Heh!

Yet, I want to redo my website. As it courrently sits, the current website is horribly out of date. The new site design need lots of attention and work before I'm ready to put it online.

Anyway, nuff about that.

I received two interesting e-mails today.

The first one was from my mom. She and Ken (her husband, but not my father) just got back from their trip to Europe yesterday morning. They spent most of their time traveling through Scandinavia visiting relatives and such.

(Actually, I don't know whether or not they went other places besides Scandinavia. I didn't look at the itinerary, they sent before they left, before I accidentally deleted it. Oh well, I'm sure my mom will tell all the next time she has the chance. Plus pitcures, there is always tons of pictures.)

The second one wasn't an e-mail, so much as a newsletter. There is this cool "artist" online named Jillian Ann Durgin. She is an artist, poet, model, photographer, etc. I hadn't been to her site in sometime so it was nice to get a condensed update about what's new with her and her website.

Other than e-mails, messageboard discussions, and writing, life has been fairly quiet lately. My mom and Ken were away, my dad is away in British Columbia until the middle of September, and my brother just went up north to work until the end of December. My sister spent most of July on holidays, working at the local fringe festival, but has now gone back to work. My case manager, from On-Site, was away for two weeks and I was only able to meet with my marketer once during that time.

EN World was down for several days when a hurricane hit Florida and took out the server. Tons of EN Worlders found refuge at Nothingland until EN World returned. Wizards of the Coast has a brand new set of messageboards, which are WAY better than what they use to have.

As I said, things have been subdued lately. I haven't been out with friends in a while, because I always feel guilty about not being able to pay my own way, whether it is one of them paying or my sister having to give me money.

Anyway, I have to get ready to go to the Steadward Centre now.

Regards,

RPB/KF72

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I love the new interface at Blogger Dot Com. I FINALLY was able to go back and edit some stuff for really bad spelling errors.

Happy Happy! Joy Joy!

More and more and more writing...

I am so trying to make up for the scattered updates I've posted here.

Well, as for those things that have been mentioned before, I am continuing to go to the Steadward Centre 3 times a week. Kate, one of the staff, has asked me to step it up a bit. Now, I'm to do 15 reps per set instead of 10. Did that for the first time today. Shit, the difference is unbelievable. I haven't felt that challenged since I started going there.

My website update has slowed down to a crawl, but with good reason. I am once again doing freelance writing work for Silverthorne Games. Can't divulge anything, but there will be several templated critters in their new product Template Troves I: Serpents, Spiders & Godlings, which is now due out in the middle of August, that I designed. Plus, I get to have my work associated with the great Sean K. Reynolds.

Hmm, I guess I'm not shy about talking about work related stuff after all. Anyway, on to other matters...

I haven't been updating my threads at EN World lately. I needed a break from all the posting I was doing in my Rogues Gallery thread. I do have a new CC2 map thread going but who knows how long I'll stay with that. More than likely I'll get back to it later on this month.

In reality, I've had an urge to write some fiction. Not story hour stuff, something new. However, anything I start will likely end up being posted at EN World anyway. Well, at least if it's PG. Heh!

I might try my hand at erotica again, don't know. And I don't think I'll be posting it here. Yet, then why would I write something steamy and then not put it some place where other can read it. I did have my old yahoo group but that didn't get used enough to be worthwhile.

Hmm, perhaps something more sci-fi related is in order. I could start working on updating Realmsian Dragonstar. Lord knows it's been forever since I worked on it. Sometimes I think the story has become this huge monster that I'll never be able to finish the way I want to. Yet, it is too compelling for me to abandon. I just need the right inspiration to contine the story. Then I'll go great guns for at least two months before I need to take a break.

Decisions, decisions...

Perhaps a Time of Ages story is the next best thing to working on Realmsian Dragonstar. I've always wanted to expand on the world concept by writing an ongoing story for it. Plus, I'm positive that such a story would include a link between the real world (or at least a facsimile of it) and Rielun. The question is how do I do this without it being cheesy!

Something to think about.

I have to remember to update my resume next week.

Well, that's all for today. If your out there, I'll talk to you again soon. (If I remember.)

Love or Kin

So I'm writing something here, simply to write.

This blog feels like it needs a theme, or at least some direction. Yet, I'm too scatterbrained to come up with something. I could write about personal issues, but that feels too much like venting. I've been 'porting over my poems from my website but that can't last forever.

Case in point...

-------------
Love or Kin
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard

Darkness surrounds her, the chill of the cascade binds her to her knees.
A soft glow rises from the water around her as she waits under moon.
He’ll be there soon.

Just as she closes her eyes, his huge, scarred hands clasp her shoulders.
Instantly, she is warm against the course hair that covers his body.
Her gentle love.

They are of different blood, divided by centuries of war and strife.
Mortal enemies for as long as both races have existed in this world.
Tonight’s their last.

He must fight for his lord on the morn, against the kin of his beloved.
Not even her love can save him from this day of bitter glory.
A death of honor awaits him.

He wishes to tell her his heart, but the words fail his simple mind.
She is from a different world, how could he ever make her understand.
Why, he must die.

She pulls him closer waiting for him to embrace her like every night before.
Instead he pulls away, leaving her to wonder why he has forsaken her.
He hears her cry.

She cries out and cries out for him, hoping he’ll return to her loving arms.
Yet he leaves her to her future, for they could never have been together.
Elf and Orc.
-------------

That leads into the idea of using the blog as a development journal for my D&D campaign settings and fantasy writing. Yet, that might be too complex for just one blog. And I'm not up for starting another one.

And I'm definitely not comfortable using it for any sort of business purpose.

I could use it to index links to websites I like. But I can just as easily do that with a standard HTML document.

I think I'm just going to wing it. Maybe write a series of article like journal entries about my life, with opinions and such. Who knows at this point. Lord knows the stuff I've written so far hasn't been all that compelling. Even for me.

Ah well, spilt milk and all that.

Time to close this post and start another one.

Current Thoughts + Poetry Transfer

Ok, time to write something here. (I do have another outlet for my writing, but I update that even less than this.)

Mainly, I've been busy writing material/new stuff for World of Kulan, as well as for my story hour at the EN World Messageboards.

I've also begun a health and wellness program at a place called the Steadward Centre, which is located on the U of A campus. This is nice, as I get to check out some eye candy, just before going inside to work on gaining strength. Plus, I've lost some weight too. (Bonus!)

I haven't done any 'professional' writing in the last while, as On-Site and the Steadward Centre are taking up all my time. Not that I'm going to On-Site, physically, much anymore. However, I am working redoing my website, The Crossroads.

I'm going for a more streamlined version using Cascading Style Sheets and a better layout, as well as color & graphics. Right now, I'm learning about CSS on my own. The fact that writing style sheets is similar to the C language has helped.

Anywho, just some current thoughts... + another poem transferred over from my website.
----------------------

Lost
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard.

Today is a day of mourning.
No one I know has died.
No great tragedy has befallen a loved one.
No… it is something else I mourn.

We’ve all heard the expression,
‘I should have stayed in bed.’
But for me, sometimes, its worst then that,
Sometimes… I wish death had come.

Everything that has ever been wrong,
Surfaces from my subconscious.
My heart, my soul...
Shuts down.

I cannot think.
I cannot see the world.
My skin freezes worse than from any wind.
Sorrow, pain… unbridled rage.

Some would call it depression.

I call it being both alive and dead,
At the same instance in time.
All I can do is lay in the dark,
And pray the hate inside passes.

Sometimes it goes as quickly as it came.
Other times it lasts for days.
But isolation is only prevention.
There is no cure for being lost.

Neck Woes

Dr. Gregg doesn't think the damage to my neck is serious. Just a aggravated muscle/tendon/something in my neck. He gave me some anti-inflammatory meds, which have helped a little. Still very sore, although it didn't help that I pulled something in my back helping my friend Scott get his vehicle unstuck. (Grumble, Grumble.)

Now, if I could just write the 'incident' report about what happened without it being inflammatory. My case manager is a good guy, but what happened felt avoidable. I sat down with him and tried to work it out. The conversation was good and bad. We communicated but I still feel like he's not 100% on my side about what happened.

He termed my reactions, when it happened, as being manipulative. And I can see how someone might see it that way. I'm bad at trusting people. I've been burned in the past and I tend to shield myself. It's my issue, but it isn't going to go away overnight.

I still have to convince myself I want to get rid of my shield.

I feel this tremendous pressure to get over it, even though he says to take my time. Eventually, my family is going to even tell me to get over it. (They haven't yet, but it's only a matter of time.) The problem is that I'm tired of letting things go without a real resolution.

I think my case manager and I need to have another talk. (It's all good now. No worries. - Edit)

***

I finally got a chance to play D&D, with my friends, in months last night. It was a good stress reliever and distraction. first, we all sat down and watched Interview with a Vampire and chowed down before creating some new low-level PCs. Fought some kobolds and an owlbear. It was 2am when we stopped.

Sports Post

Tomorrow I go to see Dr. Gregg at the Edmonton Sport Institute about the pain I've been having in my neck ever since the 'accident' last week at OSPS. Hopefully, he'll be able to give me something to help with the pain. Also, I definitely now want an MRI done on my neck. (Didn't happen, doctor knows best. - Edit)

Anyway, just watched the Oilers and Flames kiss the sister, as they say in hockey circles. (A 1-1 tie for those not in the know.) The Oilers really needed the two points and even had a power play in Overtime. They needed the extra point to keep pace with the Blues who won tonight. (Grumble, Grumble.)

The Oil have to play the Avs tomorrow and then the Canucks on Friday night. Big games, big points. Go Oilers Go!

On a related note, they traded away Tommy Salo today before the end of the NHL Trade Deadline. They traded for a young prospect. Salo has been struggling all year and has always been a little inconsistent. I was his biggest fan when he originally came to the Oilers but times change and Kevin Lowe obviously has confidence in Ty Conklin to handle the load down the stretch. We'll have to wait and see.

Trade Deadline!!!

Gotta go, my sister wants to use my PC for a bit. Plus, I don't want to stay up to late as I don't want to miss the NHL Trade Deadline, which is on REALLY early tomorrow.

Oops

Hmm, I just noticed I've been putting Copyright 1993. Duh, that should have been Copyright 2003 and, now, 2004. Hmm, maybe I can fix it. (And I did. - Edit)

I Remember

I Remember
Copyright 2004 (C) Robert Blezard.

It’s like I’m still standing there.
The driveway seemed shorter,
Then the first time I was there.
Of course, it had been summer then,
The trees were green, alive.
Not sleeping on a cold evening in February.
The driveway had been lined with cars that day.
I remember…

A picnic table… there it is.
The house… seemed larger the first time.
A wooden porch… looks worn and old now.
Cat… more than one.
A path… surrounded by green and flowers.
A pool built into a deck… in the back.
But most of all… I remember the view.
I remember…

Trees spread in every direction.
A meshwork of green and brown,
That captivated my soul…
Or at least what was left of it.
It was at that moment that I knew,
I never had a chance.
My heart would never leave this place.
I remember…

It wasn’t the view I loved.
No, that was just the final nail.
And here I was again,
Standing in front of the house.
A message went from hand to porch.
I did not go to the back.
I did not have to see it.
I remember.

The Write Rules

The Write Rules seminar was interesting. I learned some interesting concepts regarding business writing. Concepts regarding spelling and grammar that have changed since I went to high school.

In other news, a little accident happened at On-Site Placement Services last week. I'll simply say it involved my case manager, a dog's hard rubber chew toy, and a pain in my neck. Nothing more about that.

The main reason for me blathering on here is that I feel like I'm really neglecting this blog. Part of me says 'who has the time', while another part of me says 'well, you took the time to create it, so don't waste it'. So far, I'm still divided on it all.

I've resolved myself to write more even if it is to say 'nothing new today'.

Anyway, time to post another poem. (see next post.)

Ack!

Wow, I totally forgot about this. Guess I should get back to writing more here. Right now, I'm dealing with a company called On-Site Placement Services. They are a job placement company and are helping me refocus my education and skills towards becoming a graphic/web designer.

Right now, I'm learning about Adobe Illustrator CS. The program is an amazing tool, but I've yet to scratch the surface of what it can do. Studying Adobe products, including InDesign CS and InCopy CS, has given me a better sense of what I need to learn to become a web designer. I still want to be a freelance creative writer in my spare time but, lately, I'm finding my time taken up more and more by Informational Interviews and OSP Seminars.

However, this Friday, I'm going to be attending a seminar by Deane Eldredge Image Concepts Ltd called The Write Rules. It teaches all aspects of style, frequently misused words and expressions, the right tone for the right situation or person, how to eliminate writer's block, etc. Should be fun!