Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Spiral Effect

So, I've been stewing in a metaphorical pot for several weeks now. It has a lot to do with my classes, but it also has a lot to do with my health. I ended up with another sinus infection this month and a very sore throat. ("I hate mucus!") It's better now but it crashed me down for over a week. I even missed a class for Research Skills.

I hate getting sick. It takes everything out of me.

Worse than that, it sends me spiraling down that dark path towards depression. It's something I have to fight every day. The last few days have been killer. I need to start working on my assignments, but I just haven't had the will or energy. Yes, I'll get them done but it will take everything have to do it, which will wipe me out even more.

That's been the major difference between this semester and last semester. I'm having trouble caring about being at class, learning about something new, and even getting up out of bed. When I lose my ability to care, it's never a good thing. It means I'm spending too much time worrying about things I cannot change.

My dad's life is one of those things.

He had to move again recently and now he's on the other side of the city. He is in area that takes a long time for me to get to by bus. There have been a few times since he's moved that I could have used his help, but I'd feel to guilty asking him to drive all that way just to help me out for an hour. Besides, I worry about his driving. He's not as steady behind the wheel as he use to be; however, he won't give up his car. It's scary.

Also, I learned that friend of mine is battling cancer.

It's been a tough thing for him to go through, and I'm not sure how to handle how I'm feeling about it. I'm worried that he won't get better even though I know he's a fighter. ("Gerald, you rock!") If the worst happens, it would be devastating for his family and his friends. I'd like to spend some time with him, but I've been so sick lately that I'm worried that I might expose him to something that could affect his health. It's scary.

These are just the two biggest things on my mind. Everything else seems trivial compared to these worries, yet I need to make sure I pay attention to the day-to-day things like getting up out of bed before Noon, doing the dishes, going to class, and, yes, doing my assignments. When you struggle with depression, those trivial things turn into monsters that await you every day.

It's scary.

Something From Class

Here is something that I wrote during Distilled Prose class. It was a simple exercise in Description.

Kellin's Hands
Kellin scraped the rot from his enlarged fingers. He worried over the warts and blemishes across the backs and washed the taint of years of blood and gore from his palms. The left thumb blistered from sword strain; the right pinky twisted from an ancient break. He washed them twice more hoping to reveal their true form. They remained cursed ogre hands as they always did. He sighed in resignation as he gloved them in the black leather of the manticore he slew over a dozen years ago. He could almost see their lost human form through the haze of broken memory. He buckled the last strap, pulling it tightly. He should have washed them again as he noticed that lingering itch on his left index.

I hate it when I...

. . . forget my password. It took three times before I could retrieve it. I can't figure out what I did wrong the first two times.

Anyway, I'm back taking night classes at MacEwan. Distilled Prose and Research for Writers. The classes are interesting and challenging but in very different ways.

For Distilled Prose, I have an assignment due every week and this week (and last week) I have two assignments due. It's a little crazy, especially since I haven't started them yet.

I guess I've been thinking too much (i.e. worrying) about the research paper I need to write for the other class. It's worth 30% of my final mark, which is a little insane. Still, the Research class only has four assignments, and I've already handed in the first two.

It's interesting to see the change in group dynamic that happens from semester to semester. Several of my classmates from the January semester are in one or the other of my two classes. I find it fascinating to see how these people I already know (somewhat) interact with people I don't know.

It's fascinating. Well, at least for me.