Monday, November 28, 2005
Ok, have you ever had the feeling that you weren’t alone, when you should be? You have this sense of presence with you either while relaxing or working. It isn’t always frightening and sometimes it is actually comforting, like something was trying to protect or warn you.
Well, it has happened to me and in both ways.
Take one morning, in particular, for instance. I awoke to this sense that someone was in my bedroom with me. This presence was lying on the bed next me. Then there was the ‘sense’ of warning that I needed to get up. Well, I was frozen for a moment, as such experiences are unnerving, but I was soon up and wide awake.
However, nothing bad happened.
So what is the result? Am I simply too high strung, and I can’t completely relax, even while asleep? Are my dreams invading my conscious mind, as I wake? Or is there something supernatural about my soul?
I’ve always had this ‘feeling’, no matter where I’ve lived, that something was with me in spirit. Of course, being a big believer in faith and the afterlife, I’ve considered the idea of being watched over by angels and/or being haunted by ghosts.
The truth is likely more mundane than that. But you never know.
I’ve woken up in a cold sweat, frozen in bed, unable to move – a sense of ‘foreboding presence’ in the room with me just out of my range of sight. I’ve been walking alone, whether in the day or in the night and experienced a sense of wonder and/or fear, like someone was walking beside me.
Yet, my very modern, logical mind has always tried to make sense of such occurrences in a scientific way. Why? Because of an underlying fear of the unknown, and because in my youth I was tormented a lot by my peers.
This made me paranoid on a daily basis. It left me jaded and suspicious of new places and people. As I have gotten older it has gotten better, but it has obviously stayed with me to some degree. I still tend to isolate myself from the physical world. I’m more comfortable having friends online than in person.
There are exceptions, of course, as I have a few good, in person, friends – Dan, Dave, Gerald, Ken, Chris, Brian, Scott, and Darrell & Lisa. Yet, even these friends are rarely interacted with on a week by week basis. Why? Because of a sense of disappointment in my self, and an inability to be as equal a friend in return.
I don’t wish to burden them with my troubles.
Thus, the isolation I was talking about.
And there are others who could be my friends, but due too professional restrictions, aren’t in the same category. People I have come too feel comfortable with and trust on a certain level, if not 100% – Kate, Raina, Donna Marie, and Kevin are just a few. I can trust these people with my future self, with where I will be employed and with my health. Yet, I feel like there is this bridge between me and them, which ‘professionalism’ doesn’t allow me to cross.
I guess that is the difference between good friends and people you just know and respect. Associates, if you will.
While close friends provide comfort and it is good to have associates, family is what makes the real difference in life. For a long time, during my Twenties, I really isolated myself from my family. I convinced myself that I had to stand on my own without any real help, in order to be an adult. The truth was that I continued to fail and fall without my family. Life just wouldn’t be life without them – mom, dad, Victoria, Aunt Elaine, Aunt Connie, and Dale (rest in peace, man).
So, are there ghosts and angels in my life? Yes, there are the ghosts of my past and pain, as well as the angels I know who look out for me, family, friends, and associates.
As for the other ghosts and angels, I’ll only know when it is my time to meet God on his terms. But that’s not right now.
I haven't felt like writing anything here in a while. And with good reason. Since the end of August I've been in a real depressed funk.
My brother died.
Dale had just come back us, his family, a few years back and I'd been enjoying getting to know him, as a adult, for the first time. But now he is gone and life has gone into that damn downward spiral again. My mother is heartbroken and my sister is sad and depressed. My dad has his own regrets about words not said.
And I feel like a part of me died with him.
I've been trying really hard not to fall into that pit of hopelessness that I seem to always be balanced on. I try to stick to the basics of what I need to do, each day, but it all seems so pointless now. I just can't get over the fact that life seems to get worse and worse every year.
And there isn't anything I can do to stop it.
Going to the Steadward Centre feels hollow and unsatisifying. Being out in the world seems more surreal than ever. Nothing feels real anymore. Its like being stuck in the Matrix movies without any of the cool abilities or plotlines. Life has become static and strangely unsettling.
Not even EN World helps. Well, maybe a tiny bit.
More and more I've been spending time reading, going to movies, and hanging out with my friend Ken. We go out and do stuff that isn't meant to be life altering. Just stuff that is suppose to be fun. Sometimes it is, most of the time its just going through the motions.
I miss Dale so much its killing me.
Christmas this year is going to be rough.