Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Today was one of the longer ones I've lived in a long while. I had to actually get up semi-early and wasn't home until after 6pm. "I had a regular day", as my sister put it to me when I told her I was tired. That made me very afraid because I've forgotten what a "Real Day" is like. I use to be able to go through a Real Day without being so worn out or overwrought, but now, now I can barely stand to do the part-time life routine that I've slowly built for myself.
In the past, I kept going through sheer determination and lots of caffeine. Now, I've had to give up caffeine for health reasons, and depression has destroyed the intense determination I once had. Now, I don't know how I'll possibly cope with trying to get back into the Real World. Hate is such a powerful emotion and it does horrible things to you, especially when you hate yourself more then anything else in the world.
Unemployment hasn't helped, but it's not the underlying issue. I'm simply afraid to fail again. I'm afraid that the person I've had to become isn't strong enough, or cold enough, to survive in a world filled with pain and anguish. He worries that he'll always be a failure in his own eyes even if his family supports his dreams and goals to his dying days.
They would be the first people to point out that my life is way better then a lot of others' lives. I have loving parents and a brother and sister that I can count on. My other relatives and friends are always there for me when I need them, if not for anything more than emotional and moral support. It isn't their support I now need. Now, I need to find it in my heart to forgive myself for the self-inflicted hate, anger, sadness, pain, and misery I've forced into my soul.
Can I do it. My mind screams "No, you can never forgive yourself". I try and try to understand why I can't and often I think it's because I'm a bad person, sometimes I even believe I am an evil person. I feel like I don't contribute to society or life, in general. I feel destitution in my soul and live in a world of "Dark Reality" that I created for myself.
I am the fiend of my own mind. I worry and pray that my family doesn't discover my dark secret of being less than human. I worry that the internal rage burning in my soul will explode upon the world, consuming all life and hope. I have become the Antithesis of Love, the Harbinger of Sorrow, and the Herald of Hatred. I have wrought my Dark Reality on a unsuspecting world.
The truth is that none of that is true, but "try not" to convince my inner self that it isn't so. That beastly creature ruins my hope and my wish for a batter life. It drags me down in the day and haunts my nightmares at night. I feel like I'm losing battle after batter with no end in sight. It is the beast inside, that person who I was as a teenager, who roars in defiance of forgiveness and closure.
I really wish he just shut the hell up!
But how? How do you make the past go away? How do you forgive yourself of so many stupid mistakes and wrongs you committed to your own soul. That is the part I don't understand. I have tortured the soul I was given by God. I have dragged it through the mud and humiliated it before the world. I have inflicted horrible pain and wounds of false love and false life upon it.
A friend of mine would think I've gone crazy. He doesn't believe there is a God. He would say that I don't have a soul that I can do whatever I want in life. I don't believe that. I believe that God gave me this soul for a reason. I believe there is consequences to how one lives, how one exists. Your soul isn't to be abused like some 5-cent toy. I have done a horrible crime against God and my own soul. I have killed its joy before its time.
How do you forgive something like that?
I ask you...