Monday, November 28, 2005
I haven't felt like writing anything here in a while. And with good reason. Since the end of August I've been in a real depressed funk.
My brother died.
Dale had just come back us, his family, a few years back and I'd been enjoying getting to know him, as a adult, for the first time. But now he is gone and life has gone into that damn downward spiral again. My mother is heartbroken and my sister is sad and depressed. My dad has his own regrets about words not said.
And I feel like a part of me died with him.
I've been trying really hard not to fall into that pit of hopelessness that I seem to always be balanced on. I try to stick to the basics of what I need to do, each day, but it all seems so pointless now. I just can't get over the fact that life seems to get worse and worse every year.
And there isn't anything I can do to stop it.
Going to the Steadward Centre feels hollow and unsatisifying. Being out in the world seems more surreal than ever. Nothing feels real anymore. Its like being stuck in the Matrix movies without any of the cool abilities or plotlines. Life has become static and strangely unsettling.
Not even EN World helps. Well, maybe a tiny bit.
More and more I've been spending time reading, going to movies, and hanging out with my friend Ken. We go out and do stuff that isn't meant to be life altering. Just stuff that is suppose to be fun. Sometimes it is, most of the time its just going through the motions.
I miss Dale so much its killing me.
Christmas this year is going to be rough.