How can that be a bad thing?

Some current food for thought...


Ever since I've been going to the Steadward Centre located at the U of A, I've found myself thrust back into the dark reality of my situation. Sure, going to the Steadward Centre has been the best thing to happen to me in 5 years of horrid depression and hard times. Yet, at the same time I'm once again being overexposed to the multitude of beauty that exists in this world. (The U of A is like that.)

Now, you're going say, "How can that be a bad thing?"

Well, the truth is I don't connect well with women. Oh sure, I can get along just fine with women I'm not particularly interested in, but that's not the the same thing. Not by a long shot. The truth is that if I discover an unbridled attraction to a women it becomes consuming emotionally. Now, I'm not talking instant love or anything. I'm a whole lot more in control of myself than that, damn it!

I'm talking about lust, passion, envy, sadness, and angst. Usually in that order.

Lust is easy. Everyone lusts after someone at some point in their lives. My problem is that is isn't hard for me to lust after women. And it's never just one woman at one time. I have a very strong lust radar. I'm into women of all shapes and sizes. However, I have a real weakness for women who aren't like the girls I grew up with in Forestburg (i.e. country girls). I'm talking exotic women - asian, black, spanish, eastern european, and indian. I'm talking women who are a little out there - gamer & goth girls, women with tattoos & body piercings, and those who just stand out in a crowd.

Passion is the next logical step in my cycle. Lust isn't enough in this world. It will only take you so far. Passion is where real feelings of desire and wanting come into play. Passion shows you a woman's faults as well as her obvious assests. Beauty is only skin deep and I'm never passionate about a women based solely on looks. After all, I don't go for the traditional or the waif look. A women must be strong in heart and spirit, but doesn't need to be extremely fit. (That doesn't hurt though.) Passion teaches me to see all of a women and I usually like what I see. (Smokers don't usually get past this stage.)

Next comes Envy. Now, this where I differ from most. I tend to covet women that I can't have. Whether she is married or in serious relationship or is obviously out of my league. A friend of mine once told me it's better to aim high and strike out then aim low and be unhappy with the results. The truth is that I have self-esteem issues up the ass when it comes to women. I never see myself as being good enough for anyone. I always believe that a women could do better than me. This comes from those adolescent years of being teased/tormented by both my peers and by myself. I try to not let it hold me back, but so far the pain has been too hard to let go. anyway, the end result is that I end up envying the man (or woman) who has her, or who is working towards having her. (I've been known to sit back and let another man win a woman's heart, while I torture myself saying "it is for the best".)

The next logical step is Sadness. The cycle would never be complete without it. Here I dwell on the past, and take to heart the torment of those words of worthlessness from my youth. I often fall into a depressed state (more than usual) and shut myself away from the world. I listen to music meant to tear at my soul and lose myself in the pain I have come to be addicted to. Depending on how much I like a women, this stage can last a long time or drive me right into the last stage.

I wanted to say the last stage of the cycle was anger, but that doesn't really describe it. Anger entails getting mad and shouting out to the world that life isn't fair. That is not what I do. I do things like what I'm doing now (writing this). I take the sadness and pain to another level. I push the envelope of self-torture. I walk into that dark place in my soul and mind, which I know I can never be free from. Angst has led to madness, grief over the loss of innocence, the ability to love, and a "I do not care anymore" attitude about wanting to know joy, happiest, and hope for the future. My soul is cold place, best left alone in the darkness. It can feel but often those feelings simply frighten all who come into direct contact with it. It is here that I have contemplated ending life, but then I remember I am a coward who fears death. In this stage I lose who I am for days or weeks at a time.

The truth is that I am more than the dark place I've built for myself in the shadows of my soul. I know there is more to my soul and heart than pain and misery. The problem is that I've beome too good at living a dark, twisted way of life. Like I said before, I am addicted to pain. It isn't all that I know, but it is comforting, in dark & twisted way, to know I can always go back to the pain inside.

So, to answer the question, "that is how".